Challenges

I was talking today with someone who is very wise. The discussion had to do with the difference between something being seen as a challenge to be overcome in spite of the dangers involved versus something to be feared and avoided because of the dangers involved. The answer is attitude. It was a very interesting and intriguing conversation, and it led me to a breakthrough in understanding and articulating my own past.

You see, I've always felt that I viewed everything in life as a challenge, but there have been two things in my life where my actions were not driven by an attitude of positive determination but by fear and pain. Those two things were my romantic relationships and coming to prison for the crime I was charged with. In those two things, I allowed fear and pain to paralyze me, stifling any chance for growth.

I was so afraid of being alone (without an intimate partner) that I would hang onto relationships even when they became unhealthy. Heck, I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. Because of my fear of being alone, I would suffer any pain, inflict any pain to keep a relationship alive. I was manipulative and viscios. By the time most of my early relationships ended, I was an emotional wreck, and they hated me. I did not know how to change my attitude in order to make better choices so that I could save the intimate connection with another human being that I desired so desperately. Eventually, the choices I made because of the pain I felt in those unhealthy, toxic relationships led me here to prison.

Coming to prison as a person who committed a sex crime against a minor was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I lived in perpetual fear of discovery, and my feelings of shame made it difficult to function. In my first 4 years or so, I was harassed, beaten, tortured, forced to do horrible things, and sexually assaulted. It was a living hell full of pain, fear, shame, and rage, which stunted my ability to grow, move forward, and heal. It reeked of a future full of difficulties that could not be overcome. To change this, I would have to find a way to change my attitude of hopelessness toward these experiences (my crime and prison) into an attitude of hope, a challenge to use these things to change myself for the better.

Getting to that place took a lot of self-reflection and brutal honesty. I had to be willing to take responsibility for my choices and be willing to hold myself accountable. Once I was able to finally begin looking at everything I had been through as a challenge that I was determined to overcome, I was able to begin the process of changing for the better. Now, I am mindful of difficulties and work through them before they feel insurmountable, and I do something I can't take back. They become challenges to find compromise and peaceful resolution. This change in attitude has helped me become someone much more capable of handling adversity.